Stop Killing Your Relationship With Gazillion Expectations

We all know about someone’s cousin’s sister who is no longer with her husband because she ended up in the hospital one time too many from his frequent beatings. And although we are not really comfortable with divorce, we understand why she had to get out. And we’ve probably heard of that guy that broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years and is so miserable about it. She cheated on him and though he might have forgiven her and continued with the relationship, he also discovered she has been cheating for several years. Of course he had to break up with her; there was really no point. But what about that girlfriend who recently left her husband of several years with the reason that it ‘just wasn’t working anymore.’ There was probably more that went down but either way, it is hard to understand. Those feelings are very real but sometimes, out expectations are what is killing our relationships.

I am very interested in relationships; I could say I have a fetish for them. That is probably why many close people choose to bring their relationship issues to me. Not because I will have the solution or because I’m an expert but because I am genuinely interested. I like to know what makes people tick and why they act the way they do and I honestly believe that people are to a large extent, defined by their relationships. So why do we constantly tear down the walls of our relationships with friends, family and spouses with expectations that do not hold up the test of time?

I think we women are the most guilty of that. We expect him to be there for us always. Sure why not, he is omnipresent isn’t he? Our own regular demigod. NOT. Or we neglect our girlfriends and expect him to fill in the shoes…your own personal BFF to share secrets with, laugh about someone else’s boyfriend and even go discount shoe shopping with. HAHA. And how fantastic is that? He will even let you make your purchases from his rfid blocking wallet - no need to even spend your money. Isn’t life beautiful?

There are just so many expectations we put on these poor men (and that they place on us) that the relationship begins to crumble until we get to that point where it suddenly just isn’t working anymore. It is possible to be in a long term relationship and be happy in it. And no, I’m not talking about the euphoria that comes from infatuation… this is more intentional. You choose to be happy and take steps towards achieving that happiness.

I subscribe to a relationship newsletter, which really contains some great pearls of wisdom. Anyway, a recent blog post talks about these unreasonable but very real expectations. One of such expectations they talked about was expecting the feelings of love to be there always and every time. In answer to that, the author said:

When I was a girl, my beloved BeBe gave me this advice, “Someday when you’re married, it will be just as important to like each other as love each other. Because then when you don’t like him, you’ll be able to get in touch with how you love him. And when you think you don’t love him, you’ll be able to get in touch with how much you like him.” BeBe was right and I add this: when it feels like the love isn’t there and the like is really hard to find; you can either turn to fear and assume the relationship has failed or you can use it as an opportunity to dive deeper into a love that is willing to ride the ups and downs of the relationship and the feelings. That kind of love takes you to a new level of intimacy you can’t get to any other way.

Expectations in themselves are not bad, but holding on to them and not taking in the fact that you both will change and so should your expectations, can only lead to trouble. Let your expectations be flexible especially when you are dealing with people.