I haven’t been here lately and that’s because there have been a lot of things happening in my life, not all of them positive. I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water and so I’ve mainly been at my writing blog, which is what I do when there are things I’m not ready to deal with. I write.
However, yesterday was Hubby’s birthday and I wish I could have thrown a big party for him, you know…a real bash. The kind where you send out IVs with fancy print envelopes and all that. But I couldn’t.
Instead, we had a good friend babysit the kids and took a drive out. I rented a car for that. We went to see a movie (Iron Man 3), but couldn’t stay till the end as the loud noise and violence was wearing my nerves thin. Though, I guess they were already thin to start with.
There is so much to be thankful for and when I’m tempted to forget how good God has been to me, I just have to look at my husband and know that I’ve had it good indeed.
I’m not a perfect Mom, though I try so hard to be. I wish I could be the best possible Mom for my kids all the time. Yet, as each day goes by, I am reminded of my frailty and how much I need help. Today was one of those days.
I’m exhausted a lot these days and when I get really tired, I tend to take it out on my family. I snap at Hubby and I snap at the kids. But somehow, they know I’m just tired.
AJ is really strong for a boy his age and when he grabs my legs, it’s all I can do to keep on my feet. And then I snap at him. When I do that, he usually just looks up at me and starts laughing. Then I shake my head and join in the laughter.
Today was different though. I really was exhausted and feeling faint. I was on my feet because I knew they had to eat. So there I was in the kitchen and he grabbed my legs. I didn’t see him coming so I stumbled and almost tripped. I turned to him and snapped, stop that! He looked up at me and began to cry like his heart was breaking. It broke my heart.
I felt so bad and quickly tried to comfort him. Luckily, kids comfort easily. But it still made me feel like I had a long way to go in this Mommy business. I really want to be the perfect Mom, but on days like today, it feels all uphill.
It’s 4am and the house is asleep. I’m sitting on our balcony, overlooking the well-manicured lawns of the beautifully landscaped garden. All that is missing is a pack of cigarettes.
Did I shock you? No, I don’t smoke and I never have. But sitting here in the lonely night, thinking and pondering on all the thoughts that threaten to overwhelm me, I almost feel like a character from one of those silent movies. I’d be sitting and gently puffing from those slim cigarette holders and looking so forlorn and melancholy. How romantic is that?
Hah…probably just in the movies. Considering that I’m a recovering asthmatic, I’d probably need to fortify the house with a dozen humidors if I even make the mistake. I am SO allergic to cigarette smoke and I don’t subscribe to roasting my lungs.
But you get the idea. I’m feeling introspective.