When there’s no one to talk to

clover

I am a writer and I write for a living. I am a ghostwriter and I get paid by people to write. And that’s all well and good, but what do I do when I can’t write? It’s not like I’ve lost the ability to write, this post is evidence of that. It’s just that each word is like water from a stone. I guess I’m suffering from writer’s block and I know why.

There has been a lot on my mind lately. I can’t stop thinking (and yes, I admit it, worrying). It’s sad when you have no one to talk to; to really share your heart with. Someone who won’t judge you or get impatient with you; who will see where you’re coming from and gently steer you in the right direction.

Writing that down, I guess maybe I’m asking for the impossible. People are not really like that? Or are they? I don’t know anymore. I know that I’m like that. I listen to people and just let them talk. I try to see where they are coming from and then I encourage and even when I need to speak the truth, I do it gently. I do that because I care, but also because that’s what I crave.

I’m trying to live a life where I give as much as I can but don’t expect anything back in return. It’s hard. It’s hard not to expect that some people should care. It’s hard not to expect that some places should be lacking in judgment of you. It’s hard. But overall I think I’m better for it. If not exactly happier, I’m at least more peaceful.

So back to writing… I figured if I could clear my mind a little, I might be able to write and meet my deadlines. Is it working? Well, I’m off to find out.

Slowly finding my feet…

Huge Caterpillar climbing on Plant

I’m thinking that I would like to begin blogging again. I don’t know how often I can do that though because this time, I want to blog from my heart. I’m quite shy about revealing my heart so this is not going to be easy, but I’m going to try.

I read this post on the Messy Marriage blog that reinforced my decision to go back to personal blogging. I found the blog by mistake, but I love the way the writer writes; she’s so open and real. I wish I could open myself up that way.

Life has been topsy turvy for me; uphill now, downhill again. I’m not sure which is worse, to keep struggling uphill, or to have everything so messed up?

I’ve been studying the book of Acts because I need to learn how to get more faith. There are days when I look up and I look down, and then I look up again and everything is grey; there does not seem to be help coming from anywhere. It’s for those days that I soak in the wondrous and miraculous things that happened decades ago. I’m hoping that somehow, my life won’t remain the way it is for too long. I mean maybe, just maybe Peter’s extraordinary courage or Paul’s boldness will rub off on me.

So I’m going to start blogging. I’m not just trying to get the hang of this Mummy thing, I’m trying to get the hang of this life thing. I don’t know if anyone is going to read this, but if you stumble upon my blog, kindly leave me an encouraging comment. :)

It’s only February and I’m tired

I haven’t been here in almost a year and that’s because my life has been one upheaval after another. First of all, I’m not blogging from Nigeria. We had to leave Malaysia due to a change in policy (no more spouse visas for our category)…it’s a long story. So we spent most of last year trying to settle back in.

Then this year – January 1 to be exact – I got a call that my mum slumped and so I packed up and rushed to her. It was a 12 hour trip by road and I think it must have been too much for the kids because a couple of weeks later, they all fell sick. ALL 3 of them. At. The. Same. Time.

Talk about crazy.

Sooo…we’re just coming out of that now. Thankfully, all the kids are okay. But now, I’m just plain tuckered out. Exhaustion seems to be a cloak that wraps me so tightly, I can’t seem to get unwrapped.

But I’m glad to be alive. I’m happy everyone is fine. My mum is doing okay too.

On the downside, my business had to be put on hold. I’ve not been able to write. Thankfully, my clients have been understanding. I hope I’ll be able to get back to writing soon.